Paperjam

No really. Don't get involved. You've got a life to lead, you know - that washing up won't do itself, that website won't design itself, that Hoover won't run round the house for you.

So don't under any circumstances go to MacMame and download the latest version of the arcade game emulator, then get hold of a NeoGeo bios (oh that's very illegal - I can't tell you how to do that - but Mr. Google might be able to) and then locate a Metal Slug ROM and then...

Oh no. Because you haven't done it, you won't need to know to turn smoothing off in the Options menu to make it run at a playable speed on an iBook G4. You also won't need to know that you'll need one of the latest versions of the NeoGeo BIOS, and about six hours spare as you lose yourself in sideways-scrolling mayhem.

Is there some sort of helpline?

Oooh its a nasty rainy night as Steve ferries myself and James W down the A45 towards a date with the groovy sounding but as yet mysterious 7 Inch Cinema.

Arriving at the nicely appointed Rainbow pub (owned by one of PWEI apparently) in Digbeth we dash in, paying a 2 quid cover charge to be confronted by a tasty looking pub dominated by a large projector screen showing what looks like a slightly scary eastern european animation from the 70's. Actually it turned out to be from the late 50s and was created by the same man who went on to direct Emmanuelle 5. Life is not always an upward curve.

Pints acquired from the friendly bar staff and a position at the end of the bar settled upon we are treated to a few more bits and pieces, although due to the pressures of time not I'm Bobby, which sounded cool, a Bollywood re-make using paper cut-outs and local children for actors.

After some musical interludes and more films, including some crazy automata and a short film about shady experiments which starts well but ends with some disturbing things happening to eyes - I study the programme intently for the duration and engage the (very nice) barmaid in conversation about why the peanuts on display are "The Drinker's Choice".

The highlight of the evening for us is the appearance of musical duo Black Galaxy playing music over the top of a short film by Derek Jarman, The Art Of Mirrors (pictured), unsettling, but none-the-less ace. The sound and vision mix really well. Following this there is an extended trawl through The Fall Of The House Of Usher and another Jarman short.

By this stage, time is marching on and unfortunately we all have work tomorrow, so it's off for a quick slash before I am dragged away from another conversation with the barmaid about Stoke-On-Trent, in order to drive home.

All in all a worthwhile trip, if a bit much for novices like us to absorb all in one go, if we go over again I imagine we will try to get there early doors so that we can get a seat and make sure that Badly Drawn Boy doesn't stick his tea-cosied head right in front of me.

More details about 7 inch cinema on their web site and if you are in the area give the Rainbow a go, very cool pub and the food looked cracking too.

1. The moment of horrible inevitability between banging one of your toes and the pain reaching your brain.
2. Running out of petrol in the middle of a contra-flow on the M1 at rush hour - whilst also desperate for a piss.
3. One moment realising that actually you don't really love them any more and the next noticing that the condom has split.
4. Any ambiguity mid-stride as to whether that was a fart, or there was perhaps more to it.
5. Guy Ritchie's Revolver
6. The man on the plane next to you suddenly leaping to his feet and screaming "Jihad!".
7. The shops are shut, the only food in your house is a pot noodle. After forcing it down you realise that it is 3 years past its sell-by date.
8. The doctor informing you that "this might pinch a bit"
9. Overhearing any friend of yours telling someone "You know he really likes you, yeah honest, he's always going on about it"
10. The day that your club announce the signing of Robbie Savage.

From an article on the BBC web site reflecting the reaction to the news that the FA want Scolari to be the new England coach. Clearly there is a rogue sports journalist at work in the corporation...

>Former England midfielder Peter Reid was disappointed that an English coach had been overlooked. > >"I have done my pro license like Sam Allardyce, Alan Curbishley and Steve McClaren," said Reid. > >"We paid £7,000 to do them and then when it comes to the top job none of the English lads get it, which I find really disappointing."