Paperjam

While I am a big fan of the whole DVD's in the post thing I am starting to worry that Lovefilm are attempting to make me suicidal by only sending the really miserable films on my rental queue. I've got a list of 80-something films, all different sorts of stuff, but for some reason they are trying to keep me on a compete downer. Check out the films they have sent me in the last couple of weeks, to be honest if I wasn't such a naturally happy-go-lucky person (stop laughing at the back) I'd have probably thrown myself off a bridge by now...

The Assasination of Richard Nixon Very good but almost entirely depressing and miserable all the way through, ending is horrible.

21 Grams Dead kids, terminal illness and morbid guilt - admittedly Naomi Watts getting her kit off does enliven proceedings a bit, I am aware of how shallow that sounds.

American Buffalo David Mamet play, adapted for the screen. Gruff, sweary and fairly tragic in the end.

Bus 174 Brazilian documentary about a homeless man hijacking a bus, total nightmare and extremely sobering stuff about the plight of the street people in Rio.

Serpico The old Al Pacino biopic which basically says: The entire Police force in New York is corrupt, don't rock the boat or you might end up shot in the face.

The Conversation Seventies paranoid thriller, the ending is so bleak it hurts.

Dancer In The Dark Compelling and involving but really quite upsetting indeed. The musical interludes just make it worse. Fairly devastating by the end. In short: Hard work.

The Virgin Suicides Stop it, it just isn't funny anymore.

I don't really make enough use of the excellent Globe supermarket at the bottom of town, To be honest I just go in there to grab some decent noodles and various bits and pieces that look like I can bung them in some form of stir-fry experiment. Currently I've got a packet of prepared cuttlefish that I don't really know what to do with.

The other week I picked up a bottle of Sriracha sauce, which is essentially hellfire in a bottle, the smallest amount thrown in to any meal makes life a lot more interesting. I thought I was getting used to it and decided to use it as a ketchup substitute while polishing off some cold pizza. That idea came back and bit me on the bum, and not just in a figurative sense.

Therefore I recommend this product wholeheartedly, just make sure that if you are using it liberally that you keep the bog roll in the fridge.

From probably still the funniest site on the internet, The Onion, comes these daily short, sharp bursts of twisted humour. Admittedly the "Brought to you by..." adverts at the end are a total drag but you can't really complain when little newsflashes such as "Mel Gibson Launches Rockets Into Israel" and "Prison Tattoo Artist Says It's A Swastika Or Nothing" can be yours for free.

You can get them straight from The Onion web site or alternatively you can subscribe to it for nada from iTunes.

Additionally I suggest scouring the internet for the clip that they did some years ago entitled "The President's Historic Announcement".

The flash looking new crime thriller from Martin Scorsese is in fact a re-make of the superb Hong Kong flick, Infernal Affairs. Having had a squiz at the trailer it looks like large bits of it are going to be exactly the same albeit with loads of famous actors, more gunplay and lashings of Rolling Stones music.

The "Joker" in the pack is the casting of Jack Nicholson as the crimelord at the centre of the complicated plot, it looks like he might bring something new and humourous to proceedings. But still, I strongly recommend that you get hold of the original instead of going to watch yet another hollywood copy, especially if it contains the uncomfortably bland version of Comfortably Numb used in the trailer.

Well it is Sunday evening and I'm bored. I'm thinking of going to the flicks to watch Miami Vice, but that is more of a last resort than a positive choice. Happily, over the next few months it looks as though there will be a slew of decent films vying for my attention, for example:

A Scanner Darkly - Thought this was going to be out sooner, hits the screens next week and looks to be well worth getting to. Aside from Blade Runner this is purported to be a rare Philip K Dick adaption that actually resembles the source material.

The Wicker Man - Seems a terrible prospect, but it is being re-made by laugh-a-decade Neil LaBute so I doubt it will be a formulaic, happy ending sort of debacle. No sign of naked pagan dancing in the trailer though.

The Prestige - 19th Century magicians compete to have the most comical London accents, while Michael Caine offers gruff support. Christian Bale is in fact English so I have no idea why he sounds like Dick Van Dyke. Includes Scarlet Johansson, seems very mysterious. Hooray.

The Black Dahlia - De Palma directs probably the most well known Ellroy Novel. Hopefully it will be as good as LA Confidential, the slightly worrying casting of Hartnett is offset by Eckhart and Johansson (again).

The Fountain - I'm really, really hoping that this is going to be good. Three parallel stories set in the distant past, the present and the far future dealing with Hugh Jackman trying to save his Mrs (Rachel Weisz) by discovering the key to immortality. Clint Mansell of PWEI is doing the music for Aronofsky again.

Borat - Looks like it could be uncomfortably racist while also being uncomfortably funny. Directed by one of the guys behind Curb Your Enthusiasm, which is highly uncomfortable.

Casino Royale - Could be good, could be a load of pants. Looks like they have upped the nastiness of the violence to make it appear a bit more serious. Can't be worse than the other recent Bond films and Daniel Craig is usually excellent.

While I get my arse in gear writing up the fun that was had in Weston park last weekend here is a list of some of some of the musical highlights to get on your ipod forthwith:

Loughborough Suicide by The Young Knives: Accountant band who won't go down fighting. Ace in every way.

Local Boy by The Rifles: Paul Weller was on the phone to his lawyer during this one.

Go Faster Stripes by The Milk Teeth: Big 50's guitar and slowed down chorus - spot on.

Come With A Friend by Director: Well, we'd all like to be hung like a superstar wouldn't we?

Ghostfaced Killer by The Dead 60's: Went well with sunshine and having a rest.

Panic by The Smiths: What a fantastic start this was, no I didn't send a bloody text.

Peaches by The Dub Pistols: Heard this while queueing to get in.

Emily Kane by Art Brut: Eddie's got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. He says.

Sheila by Jamie T: Probably the lairiest crowd in the union tent for this one.

E-pro by Beck: Sounded absolutely huge, the puppets trembled.

Just by Radiohead: Probably the best thing they did all night, drowned out the dodgy girls in the cowboy hats.

The Key of C by Jim Noir: Absolutely everyone liked this.

Fashion Queen by The Dodgems: Only about a thousand times better than we were expecting.

Keep getting asked if I'll go speed-dating, mostly it would seem for the amusement of other people. The answer is a resolute "No".

Fearing a BA/Milkshake style conspiracy I have made a list of absolutely the worst questions that I could think of to ask the ladies, so that if I ever wake up from a drug induced slumber faced by a number of birds with name tags and scoring cards at the ready I could use this lot to get myself a lifetime ban:

"When you die, would you rather be buried or cremated?"

"Do you know how to empty a colostomy bag?"

"Who had the best uniform, the SS or the Luftwaffe?"

"Would you like to see my birthmark? It virtually covers both cheeks."

"Have you got any, like, really fit mates?"

"Can you lend me a quid for the bus?"

"Coprophilia: your thoughts?"

"Have you got any knives that need sharpening?"

"I've got two tickets to see Jim Davidson in Nuneaton next week, d'you fancy it?"

"Will you do me a favour and pull my finger?"

"Have you heard the good news? He is risen. Hallelujah!"

"Would you mind calling me "Daddy" for the next few minutes?"