Paperjam

Are you an American??

Rant // Jim // 7th April 2003

The following is a top secret leaked document from the pentagon which is to be used in determining the authenticity of suspected spies posing as ordinary americans.
All those entering the USA on an American passport will have to complete the following multiple choice quiz, which using a devious set of psychological profiling techniques will determine the level of Americanism of the individual in question.

Question 1
A foreign family move in next door, how do you welcome them to the neighbourhood?
a) Pop round and offer to help them moving in
b) Organise a barbeque for the whole street with your new neighbours as guests of honour.
c) Plant a flaming cross on their lawn and dance around in some white sheets.

Question 2
As you are walking down the street you bump into a man carrying a cup of coffee which he spills on himself, what should you do?
a) Apologise but suggest he should be looking where he was going.
b) Offer to pay for the dry cleaning of his clothes.
c) Sue his ass off for emotional distress and then go on Oprah and moan about it for fucking ages.

Question 3
You think there is an ant nest under your patio, what do you use to get rid of it?
a) Ant powder
b) Boiling water
c) Napalm

Question 4
It’s election time, what do you look for in a candidate?
a) A thorough understanding of social and economic issues.
b) Skills in international relations and diplomacy.
c) Nice Hair.

Question 5
You are a policeman, what kind of policeman are you?
a) A highway patrolman
b) The kind of policeman who does talks at schools
c) A renegade cop who lives on the edge, you don’t play by the rules but you get results.

Question 6
You are a teacher, two children are fighting the school yard, how do you deal with the situation?
a) Quickly separate the children and discipline them immediately
b) Stop the fight and try to get to the root of what caused it
c) Disperse the crowd using tear gas and lay down a suppressing fire with assault weapons.

Question 7
It’s time for a mid-morning snack, what will you have?
a) Bacon sandwich
b) Cereal Bar
c) A KFC bargain bucket, six big macs and four snickers bars washed down with half a gallon of Dr. Pepper, well I am on a diet after all.

Question 8
You find that the asian man at the cornershop short-changed you by 5 cents, what do you do?
a) Go back and point out his mistake.
b) Forget about it, its only 5 cents, these things all even out in the end.
c) Petition your senator to have his homeland bombed back into the stone age.


Instruction to immigration officers
Mark the test and respond as indicated below:

Mostly A’s:
Psychological Profile: Looks like its going to be camp X-RAY for this fella.
Suggested Verbal Response: “You ain’t from around here are you boy?”

Mostly B’s:
Psychological Profile: American college drop out who has read too many books and may have been to Europe.
Suggested Verbal Response: “Damn pinko liberal commie son’bitch”.

Mostly C’s:
Psychological Profile: As American as moms apple pie and lynchings.
Suggested Verbal Response: “Welcome back from your trip Mr. President”.