Paperjam

Channel 4 Schedule For Summer 2007

TV // Jim // 23rd May 2007

Nonce Academy
Gary Glitter hosts (via a satellite link) as 12 wannabe child molesters are pitted against each other in a large semi detached house, which falls well within the catchment area of three primary schools. Live coverage around the clock on the channel 4 web site.

Each week the public will be given the chance, via phone vote, to evict one paedophile. At which point he will be kicked out, interviewed briefly by June Sarpong and then slowly torn to pieces by a carefully selected group of crazed Daily Mail reading men in their forties who are in some kind rage due to an unhealthy denial springing from obsessing about their teenage daughter’s tits.

Taliban Wife Swap
It’s all change for Taliban spouses Jamila and Haseena as they swap places for a week to live with each other’s family in the first of a new series. How will Haseena cope with Jamila’s hardliner husband Salim, who will relentlessly beat his wife with a steel bar for hours if she breathes too loudly in front of other men?

Meanwhile what will Jamila make of Haseena’s liberal and relaxed home-life where husband Osman will merely beat her relentlessly with a wooden bat for no more than an hour at a time if she exposes as much as a toe in public.

A huge clash of cultures is bound to ensue, fireworks will no doubt fly when the families join together to discuss the lessons that they have learned during the week, well, the men will anyway.

The Transvestite Insurgent
Part of the controversial “Gender War: Iraq” Season, following on from the previous week’s deeply affecting portrayal of Tariq, the trans-person, fundamentalist suicide bomber, who had terrible difficulty explaining why he needed his explosive harness in a “B” cup fitting.

In this moving and intimate documentary, twenty-four year-old Ashar, battles with is desire to rid Iraq of the Western infidels while trying to conceal the risqué lingerie under his combat fatigues.

He knows that the slightest hint of lace will cause his comrades in arms to gut him like a pig. Yet this courageous young man is constantly trying to glorify the name of Allah by pointlessly blowing-up nineteen year-old lads from Leeds who don’t know any better, while also wondering whether to change his name to Fatima and start a course of hormone injections.
(Repeated on Wednesday at 4am with subtitles for the hard of understanding)

Five Years Older
A new eight part series hosted by the televisual dream-team of Toyah Wilcox and Leslie Grantham. Each week a thirteen year-old girl with particularly low self-esteem is painfully derided as looking quite young by her friends, family and random strangers.

After this, our dowdy subject is the focus of all sorts of meddling by stylists, make-up experts and bitter women whose best years are an awfully long way behind them, in order to make her look at least eighteen.

After a while they all give up and call in some incredibly well spoken yet shamelessly unscrupulous plastic surgeon to install a ridiculously oversize par of silicone tits on the girl in question. Once the swelling has died down, they shove her in a pub somewhere in Wigan and her family watch via some hidden cameras hoping that she can pass as old enough to be taken round the back by the bins and given one up the shitter by some local charmer.
(Followed by exclusive interviews on Five Years Older: Extra! On More4)

WAGS Tramp Wank Challenge
The wives and girlfriends of high profile footballers will demonstrate their very real dedication to doing absolutely anything to get even the slightest bit of attention. Each week a select group of wags will do whatever they can to extract as much backed-up semen as they can get from a randomly selected group of homeless men onto their empty, soulless, sun bed-tanned, faces.

Davina Mccall will be on hand with wet wipes and her usual brand of incisive questioning about which fucking pointless charity (like for kids who are mortally phobic of light switches or some such shite) that the prize money will be going to.

Includes music in the studio from Girls Aloud, possibly including the muffled ring-tone of a mobile phone.

The Britpop Oncology Ward
Remember the 90’s? How amazingly brainy were our indie-pop stars in those days?

Well we put Damon Albarn, Louise Wener, Luke Haines and Her Out Of Salad to the test by giving them the role of consultant on one of the country’s most intense cancer wards.

Each week our musical masterminds will be asked to make decisions regarding the treatment of the chronically (and potentially terminally) ill.
In the first episode, Louise has to make a difficult decision about palliative care for a twenty year-old girl but consoles herself by realising that the whole thing is great research for her next novel.

Meanwhile Damon argues loudly with someone about how they should choose “For Tomorrow” over “Wonderwall” for the music at their imminent funeral. Her Out Of Salad just stands around making the conscious male members of the ward just feel glad they are still alive and that their eyes work to some degree.

All the while, Haines laughs like a Victorian melodrama villain in a corner and steals all the morphine