Paperjam

Could you be a politician?

Rant // Jim // 27th October 2004

Politics is in crisis! As a nation we are all so disillusioned and cynical that the next time an election swings round hardly any of us are going to bother voting. The only way to save democracy is to stimulate some interest at ground level and encourage those who may not previously thought of a career in politics to give it a shot.

The following questionnaire has been put together by a cross-party governmental committee in order to allow the general public to ascertain whether they have got what it takes for a career in Westminster.

Select the response which most closely matches your own view and then check the results to see what kind of political role would suit you best.

1. Why do you think you are suited for a career in politics?

A. Strong sense of civic pride allied with a deep desire to do what I can to improve the lives of people in this country and abroad.
B. Someone needs to drag this country back to its former glories, whole place has gone to the dogs if you ask me. We didn’t have to lock the front door when I was young, you know.
C. I am an irretrievably ugly failed academic/lawyer/businessman with tenuous aristocratic connections which were none the less enough to get me into public school where I studied forced buggery for a number of years. Currently at a bit of a loose end since the PR firm went tits up, Tarquin suggested he could get me in as the Labour candidate for Wigan North and I thought, why not?

2. If elected to a position of power, what is the first thing you would do to make a difference to the state of the country?

A. Abolish university tuition fees.
B. Legalise assault weaponry and kick out the Albanians.
C. Give all of my close friends and family obscenely well paid positions on all manner of quangos and focus groups for no good reason at all.

3. Do you think that you would ever have difficulties in answering journalist’s questions clearly?

A. I suppose not as long as they are reasonable and relevant.
B. In the glorious fatherland of the future all these pinko journalists will be rounded up and put in camps, to be replaced by agents of the Ministry of Truth. So at that stage, no, I suppose not.
C. The real issue is that in relative terms the de-facto meaning of the word “Question”, in a subjective sense, has been eroded by years of mismanagement by the previous administration.

4. Which of the following images do you find the most sexually stimulating?

5. What would you do about the state of the hospitals?

A. Cut the defense budget to build more hospitals, increase nurses wages and promote public health issues heavily across all media.
B. A carrot/stick approach involving compulsory morning exercise, forced labour camps and mandatory euthanasia for the elderly and feeble minded.
C. Nothing wrong with the hospitals that a spot of outsourcing can’t put right. I happen to have heard on the grapevine that Branson is chomping at the bit to have a crack at the NHS. Personally I recommend going private, the lobster they served while I was having that in-grown toenail removed was first class.

6. Do you have any “Skeletons in the Cupboard” in your private life that may cause a scandal if you are elected to office.

A. Errr, bit of recreational drug use, had a bit of a fling with the secretary at work once.
B. No skeletons in the cupboard but I do have the remains of a gypsy in the deep freeze...
C. Well don’t tell anyone....... but to unwind I tend to get a bunch of Thai ladyboys round to my pad. I dress up in stockings, suspenders, a Chelsea away shirt and force a large orange into my mouth. The ladyboys then strap me tightly into a dentists chair and take turns to piss all over me while “Lets Get Rocked” by Def Leppard plays repeatedly on the stereo.

7. What is the greatest threat to the security of the nation at the current time?

A. Rogue states angered at our alliance with the USA.
B. The Micks having a crack while half our army is off in Bongo Bongo land.
C. Iraq, no, hang on, I know this.... erm, Iran? No? Korea? I know it definitely isn’t Libya any more...

How did you get on?
Mostly A: Politics is not for you, the best position you could hope for would be a sad case back-bencher who wears tweed suits all year and is considered a total marxist.
Mostly B: You have definite potential, how does Home Secretary sound? Maybe Foreign Affairs?
Mostly C: Can you sub for Hoon on Question Time next week?