Paperjam

Could you be an NME Journalist?

Music // Jim // 27th August 2003

Interested in a career in music journalism? Find out whether you could "hack" it at the NME by answering the questions below:

1. You are at a “Gig” to review an exciting new band, what do you do?
A: Get straight down the front and jump around, having a great time.
B: Start at the bar and gauge the atmosphere, before taking up a neutral position in the room and nodding your head in time to the music - possibly graduating into some kind of minor shuffling dance later on.
C: Skulk around at the back of the room like some kind of glowering paedophile, make a huge show of making notes and then leave halfway through the first support act.

2. You find that all your friends really hate a band that you are a great fan of, what action do you take?
A: Not care at all.
B: Evangelise the band at every opportunity, banging your head against the inevitable fact that no-one agrees with you.
C: Immediately burn all items relating to the offending collective in your possession. Then write a two-thousand word hatchet piece in which you reveal that your former favourites are in fact responsible for the war in the former Yugoslavia.

3. Asked to DJ at your cousin’s wedding, you respond with a set consisting of what?
A: Bit of Abba, plenty of Robbie Williams and a rousing double airing of YMCA.
B: Usual wedding tat with a few tracks you like thrown in early doors, while the buffet is on.
C: Obscure Fall b-sides, all of Pet Sounds and some terrifying Nick Cave atrocity masquerading as the erection section.

4. Complete the following sentence; The White Stripes are....
A: ....rubbish.
B: ....great.
C: ....all over by Christmas. Believe me.

5. The editor asks you for some ideas for next weeks issue, what do you suggest?
A: A piece examining the pop idol/fame academy and some free sparkly stickers.
B: A fun filled story about trying to form a band to play a gig in a local pub with other members of the editorial staff and a competition to find the most tuneless busker in the country (pointing out that badly drawn boy is not technically a busker).
C: Radiohead on the cover ... news on Radiohead’s next tour ... details of Thom’s favourite books to read while on the shitter ... deep think-piece into how the lyrics of Radiohead have affected recent storylines on Coronation Street ... Radiohead stickers ... Radiohead poster ... an embargo on all non-Radiohead related letters on the letters page ... retrospective of every record a member of Radiohead has ever listened to ... oh and something about The Thrills.

6. Its your turn to review the singles, what do you look for in a “Single of the Week”?
A: Nice picture on the cover.
B: Couple of great tracks, something a bit out of the ordinary.
C: A band that even their mothers haven’t heard of making painful screeching noises, preferably in German for 90 seconds. Or the Backstreet Boys (oh the irony).

How did you do?
Mostly A: Apply to Smash Hits you muppet.
Mostly B: Apply to the Guardian, you bland loser.
Mostly C: Can you change your surname to Cigarettes? See you Monday...