Paperjam

Could you get a job at Blockbuster?

Rant // Jim // 30th May 2004

Smuggled out of the Blockbuster HR department, this is the multiple choice test given to candidates during their Trainee Management selection process. The test is administered after the introductory lecture on “Advanced techniques to extend queuing times” and just prior to the workshop on “Lame sarcasm: a viable alternative to customer service”.

Which of the following would you consider a good start to the day?
a) Waking up in time get some breakfast down and get to work on time.
b) Up early for a quick jog and a chance to read the papers before setting off to work.
c) Remembering how to get dressed without any help from your mum and putting your name badge on without drawing blood.

Aside from the big releases, which titles do you think a video store should stock?
a) As wide a selection as possible, established classics and the like.
b) Real cult stuff; obscure art house movies and ultra-violent oriental imports.
c) Shitloads of direct to video shite with titles like “Goatfighter 7: Absolution of Goatfighter”. Ideally every other title on the shelves should be one of those not-really-porn films that no-one will ever rent. Therefore you can take them home to watch with you mates while making glib jokes about the supposed plot and acting. Later however you will be less glib as you crack one off over "Gladiator Eroticus IV" with the TV on mute, so as not to wake your parents in the next room.

A major film is due out for release in two weeks time, what do you do to prepare?
a) Update the little board behind the counter entitled “Forthcoming Releases”.
b) Slap up a load of posters and pester customers into pre-ordering the title in question.
c) All of the above, plus putting out 1500 boxes representing the new release on the shelves, then when some poor bastard carries one up to the counter saying really loudly “That's not out ‘till next Monday” while your half-wit mates all snigger at the hapless customer, saying that he is “Soooo totally a tosser” when they they think he is out of earshot.

How much should a bag of popcorn cost?
a) Haven’t a clue
b) Couple of quid?
c) At least four quid, unless you get it with one of those miniscule £5 tubs of hagen daas then you get 10p off and 25% off rental of any non-chart DVD with the word xylophone in the title during June 2006.

What is the secret of keeping a video store fresh and interesting for the customers?
a) Keeping up to date on the latest titles.
b) Lots of promotions and events to help keep people interested.
c) Re-arranging the layout of the store every twelve minutes while also only employing people with no grasp of alphabetical order ensuring that no-one can find a fucking thing at any point.

What do you like to do when you aren’t at work?
a) TV, pub etc
b) Play some sports, hang out with my mates.
c) Hang around the place where I work like a bad smell, interrupting people when they are trying to serve customers to say “Have you seen that? It is shite, honestly its for wankers” and acting like I own the place.

What is “Personal Hygiene”?
a) Washing now and again
b) Making sure you smell nice
c) A buddy movie involving a renegade cop and a man who works in the sanitation department taking on a Mafia kingpin who is using a garbage truck company as a front for a drug dealing operation. I think Patrick Swayze’s brother was in it, theres this mental bit where this bloke shoves a gun right up this other bloke’s...... (continues in a slobbering, wild-eyed fashion for 20 minutes while the queue grows ever longer).

How did you do?
To be honest, if you can tell the difference between the letters a, b and c you should probably be running fucking Blockbuster.