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Eurovision 2004 Preview

Music // Adam // 11th May 2004

• ALBANIA – THE IMAGE OF YOU
  

  Imagine if there was only one Nolan sister & you crossed her with Olivia Newton John. The result:- this evil shit

• ANDORRA – JUGAREM A ESTIMAR NOS
  

  Not a real country, yet still worthy of a Euro entry. Up beat but shit

• AUSTRIA – DU BIST
  

  A bit like 3SL (the 3 brothers of Lisa Scott-Lee from Steps). Do you remember them? No, exactly! However at one point during the song it does sound like they say cunt.

• BELARUS – MY GALILEO
  

  So nonsensical I can’t even tell if this is in English or not. It sounds to me like Shania Twain vs. Rednex vs. those fucks that did that country road shit vs. Clannad with a video to match. However Belarus do win the best flag in Europe award.

• BELGIUM – 1 LIFE
  

  Horrible, horrible Euroshit (in silly outfits).

• BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA – IN THE DISCO
  

  If Enrique were an eastern Euro peroxide blonde gay pop star, this would be him. I hope he makes the final.



Bosnia - chin of granite,
face of plastic - could go all the way?

• CROATIA – YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE
  

  Not a fucking chance.

• CYPRUS – STRONGER EVERY MINUTE
  

  Gesticulations abound, she’s sat behind a piano but she’s waving her hands about like nobody’s business. Another thing she’s from Kent, goodness knows how she’s ended up singing for Cyprus. I think this may be the winner (but I’ve been wrong before).

• DENMARK – SHAME ON YOU
  

  Like a really, really awful Danish Ricky Martin.

• ESTONIA – TII
  

  5 mail order brides in a warehouse with a fat mentalist on drums, Enigma vs. the Cocteau Twins. Genius.

• FINLAND – TAKES 2 TO TANGO
  

  Commander Riker, off his face on something quite brainfucking. Proper bollocks.

• FRANCE – A CHAQUE PAS
  

  The video features a few deaf folk signing, they are very lucky that they cannot hear this shite, but they can probably tell how wank the song is just by looking at the worthless prick singing it.

• GERMANY – CAN’T WAIT UNTIL TONIGHT
  

  About as German as fish & chips. A real horror.

• GREECE – SHAKE IT
  

  Absolute disgrace. What were they thinking?

• ICELAND – HEAVEN
  

  It’s songs entries like this that make me wonder why Iceland even exists.

• IRELAND – IF MY WORLD STOPPED TURNING
  

  Same shit, different year

• ISRAEL – TO BELIEVE
  

  You’re not in Europe, your song’s shit. Fuck off!

• LATVIA – DZIESMA PAR LAIMI
  

  This translates as ‘song about happiness’. I think that the idea is that you have to experience true misery (i.e. this song) to understand happiness. Thanks Latvia for opening my eyes (but making my ears bleed).

• LITHUANIA – WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LOVE
  

  Yet another Latino sounding piece of shit. How in the name of our dear Lord does Lithuania come up with a song that sounds like Enrique featuring Toni Braxton?

• FORMER YUGOSLAV REPUBLIC OF MACEDONIA – LIFE
  

  After being robbed in 2002 the Macedonians make their long awaited return. They needn’t have bothered.

• MALTA – ON AGAIN, OFF AGAIN
  

  This is the closest thing to Renee & Renato I’ve heard in 20 years, and that’s not a good thing.

• MONACO – NOTRE PLANETE
  

  Like a French Abba, but completely crap.

• NETHERLANDS – WITHOUT YOU
  

  They sound like Blue singing a cross between ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ & Take That’s cover of ‘How Deep Is Your Love’.

• NORWAY – HIGH
  

  It’s criminal to think that this song has already qualified for the final. So very drab, I’m certain this won’t place high enough to get an automatic place in the final next year.

• POLAND – LOVE SONG
  

  Apparently Blue Café are huge in Poland. This sounds like someone being throttled shortly after breathing helium, all set to the sound of the 80’s. Throw in a drag queen and an awful breakdown for measure.

• PORTUGAL – FOI MAGIA
  

  The winner of a new Portuguese talent show. I think they meant ‘talentless show’

• ROMANIA – I ADMIT
  

  Romania’s answer to the Neptunes meets a man in a dress, not good - yet this is probably the best of the songs that have pre-qualified for the final.

• RUSSIA – BELIEVE ME
  

  A 16 year old Russian girl, hmmm! A great idea for the dirty old man in all of us. However, it all went horribly wrong.



Julia Savicheva, from Russia - "...but her
friends know her as Matilda"

• SERBIA & MONTENEGRO – LANE MOJE
  

  Whatever name the Yugoslavs want to go by nowadays they are still shit when it comes to Eurovision.

• SLOVENIA – STAY FOREVER
  

  The woman sounds like Shakira but looks like a bo selecta Sharon Davies, as for the bloke he should be neither seen nor heard.



Slovenia - Proper bo.

• SPAIN – PARA IL ENARME DE TI
  

  A man singing a song called ‘to be filled by you’. I know what you’re thinking, unfortunately it’s not a big gay synthpop romper. I can only hope that during the chorus the performer turns around a vigorously rubs his buttocks inviting us to fill him.

• SWEDEN – IT HURTS
  

  What’s it like? Well, there’s a clue in the title.

• SWITZERLAND – CELEBRATE
  

  Reminds me of social club discos when I was growing up in the 80’s. Sits nicely with the ‘Birdie Song’ & ‘Hands Up’ by Ottowan. Der kuntz.

• TURKEY – FOR REAL
  

  Imagine if Madness were Turks and had been inspired by the likes of Rancid & The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

• UKRAINE – WILD DANCES
  

  The Ukrainians decide to go with one of their best selling pop stars, she may sound like Bonnie Tyler but she looks a damn sight better. The video features a lorry driving through a wall, Plus a bunch of Mad Max looking motherfuckers trying to recreate "Wild Boys"



Ukraine - the gentlemens' vote
(and odds of 5-1)

• UNITED KINGDOM – HOLD ON TO OUR LOVE
  

  Hopefully you’ve never heard this turgid shite, if you have I’m sorry, if you haven’t then turn off before it starts (it’s late in the running order so you’ll probably want some tea by now anyway).

So to sum it all up my favourites are the Ukraine & Estonia, however, I think that Cyprus will probably win & I can live with that. Whilst we will get some points this year I can’t honestly believe that we’ll win, I would imagine a finish somewhere about 6th through 8th.

Links

Eurovision Song Contest

You can hear, and see all the entrants here - but for God's sake, don't try and do it all at once like our correspondent here - Adam is a trained professional

Radio 2 - Eurovision Song Contest

Terry Wogan isn't dead yet, and he's still the UK's voice of Eurovision. Hooray.