Paperjam

Eurovision 2005

Music // Adam // 19th May 2005

* ALBANIA – 40/1
Ledina Çelo, "Tomorrow I go"

Ledina is a jack of all trades (master of none), well I say all trades, she’s modelled and appeared on almost every talent show in Europe, winning many, singing classics like ‘Forgive’.

On to the actual song, it seems to me that they have tried to blend elements of the previous 2 winners, however, they’ve done it 2 years too late “Tomorrow I go”, tomorrow ain’t soon enough.

ANDORRA – 150/1
Marie-An Van De Wal, "La mirada interior"

Sung in Catalan “La mirada interior” translates as “A look inside yourself”. Marie-an actually runs a hotel in Andorra & decided that she should enter the Eurovision song contest. Whoops, don’t worry about her bothering the finalists.

AUSTRIA – 50/1
Global.Kryner, "Así "

After the unforgettable ALF POIER’S “Man is the measure of all things” rocked Estonia in 2003 (and shocked the Beeb with a live swearing outburst), the folks of the Austrian Eurovision committee decided to tone down for 2004 & consequently failed to gain automatic qualification for 2005.

Austria are scheduled to perform first for the semi-final & should therefore be able to board a plane & arrive home to find out the inevitable on the tele, that they have failed to qualify for the final. The song “Asi” which features English, Spanish & yodelling reminds me of fairground attraction on a bad trip ripping the piss out of “Doop” by Doop.

BELARUS – 25/1
Angelica Agurbash, "Love me tonight"

Born in Minsk in 1970, Angelica went on to claim the inaugural Miss Belarus title at the age of 18. At 32 she became Miss Russia. Having 3 massive albums already under her belt, and an established acting career in her native Belarus, Angelica has real star power. (is this a euphemism? – Ed) “Love me tonight” is the usual up-tempo Euro-fodder, will reach the final and pick up loads of votes from the former Soviet states, but ultimately won’t finish in the top 10.

BELGIUM – 100/1
Nuno Resende, "The big night"

Nuno was born in Portugal and now apparently spends his time ruining Belgium’s chances of winning the Eurovision. Since the daylight robbery that was Belgium not winning in 2003, they have produced the utter dullness that we all know and love them for. “The big night” (which I believe to be sung in French), sounds a lot like Boyzone’s hideous butchery of words. Turgid, dog’s wank.

*BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA – 20/1
Feminnem, "Call me"

Feminnem were formed in 2004 after their success in Croatian pop idol. Three bleached blonde former Yugoslavs, who perform fourth last sounding like a genius blend of classic S-Club (?) & upbeat Abba should have a great shot at winning, unfortunately there’s something missing. Top 10.

BULGARIA – 200/1
Kaffe, "Lorraine"

At 200/1 Kaffe are the bookmaker’s long shot. Kaffe, Winners of Bulgaria’s 2004 band of the year (wow!), are a six piece formed in 2003, one of the six members has never been seen to this reviewer & remains a mystery, I have however surmised that his shunning of the public limelight is not because he is hideously disfigured, as this would mean the rest of the band would have to wear brown paper bags on their heads.

I think it more likely that he is some sort of stylist that the band feel deserves credit for decisions like ‘okay, today you will all wear varying shades of brown, contrasted with white vests’. The song, whilst not being popular with myself, isn’t that bad but won’t make the final.

CROATIA – 28/1
Boris feat. Lado, "Wolves die alone"

Nice one Boris. A song about Wolverhampton’s abysmal season in the premiership was never going to do much at Eurovision, especially not when fronted by a personality free muppet (like Wolves this season). Although he looks like and absolute dildo, Boris did manage 2nd place at Eurovision ’89 & has had 14 albums since 1986. Quality, not quantity Boris. Total cack.

*CYPRUS – 25/1
Constandinos Christoforou, "Ela Ela"

Oooh! Pretty boy, Constandinos is this year’s first Enrique/Ricky Martin tribute and is guaranteed 12 points from the cheating Greeks. Eurovision has been saturated by tons of songs sounding exactly like this for some time now. None of these efforts ever win & this one will change nothing.

DENMARK – 66/1
Jakob Sveistrup, "Talking to you"

With a voice sounding like that of fatty Shane Westlife, Jakob should score some points from the Irish. In qualifying Jakob beat off competition from Euro 2000 winners the Olsen Brothers (not to be confused with the Olsen twins). Will make the final and creep into the top 10 without really noticing.

ESTONIA – 33/1
Suntribe, "Let's get loud"

Massive in Estonia, all girl group Suntribe are produced by Sven Lohmus (pictured), a veteran of failed attempts to reach Eurovision, this year he had 2 entries into the national final & finally made it. “Let’s get loud” whilst not sounding like anything new to Eurovision, will look different, with five girls behind decks (hmmm!), will qualify for the final & place top 5.

FINLAND – 66/1
Geir Rönning, "Why"

Personality free Fin to fail miserably at Eurovision with dull ballad shocker. Won’t make the final.

*FRANCE – 50/1
Ortal, "Chacun pense à soi"

I never thought it possible, but, I really do like the French entry. Ortal is an Israeli born French national & no stranger to performing on the big stage, her career highlights include a performance at the MGM hotel in Las Vegas in front of none other than Bruce Willis. The song “Everyone thinks about themselves” features a Harold Faltermeyer-esque keyboard solo, what more do you want? Vote now.

F.Y.R. MACEDONIA – 125/1
Martin Vucic, "Make my day"

I’ve still never fully recovered from Euro 2002 when the Macedonians were robbed of not just winning, but of their Euro status (back in the day of relegations). The Macedonians have never recovered either, sending one hopeless turd after another.

Enrique/Ricky no.2, slightly different in that it has an Egyptian style breakdown. Not enough to get to the final though.

*GERMANY – 66/1
Gracia, "Run & Hide"

Wearing a bra, which couldn’t quite contain her breasts, Gracia, surprisingly won the German national finals with her rocky number “Run & hide”. At Eurovision however, not even bearing herself fully will save her, she really isn’t a good enough performer to do it on the night. Her producer will also be rooting for Swiss band Vanilla Ninja, his other act on the night.

*GREECE – 11/5
Helena Paparizou, "My number one"

Helena represented Greece in 2001 as part of the group antique, they finished third. Helena has since embarked on a solo career with her debut single reaching gold status. “My number one” is very much like many other entries inspired by the Turkish winner in 2003, expect energetic dance routines & lots of material flying about. Not worthy of the bookmakers status as favourite, but a dead cert for a top 10 finish.

HUNGARY – 9/2
Nox, "Spin, World"

Imagine, if you will, a Romany gypsy camp site performance of Riverdance. It’s actually a lot better than it sounds. The dance routine borrows heavily from last year’s winner Ruslana. Will coast into the final and easily finish top 5.

ICELAND – 10/1
Selma Björnsdóttir, "If I had your love"

If Ian Van Dahl were Scandinavian (and weren’t complete bollocks), they might sound like this, then again maybe they wouldn’t. Selma was runner-up in 1999, in 2005 she won’t do nearly as well.

IRELAND – 50/1
Donna & Joe, "Love?"

There’s something very wrong about a brother/sister act singing about love. This is the best Irish entry I can remember in about a decade & interrupts a seemingly endless run of worthless losers spouting moronic drivel whilst playing acoustic guitar. Now then, I may have led you astray, I’m not suggesting this is good, I like the song it’s upbeat & reminds me of the b*witched jig with its feet of flames interlude. The problem is these guys may be the worst performers since Gemini.

ISRAEL – 50/1
Shiri Maimon, "Hasheket Shenish'ar"

After a stint in the Israeli army Shiri entered pop idol Israel finishing second, but still landing a major recording contract. Unfortunately she’s been sent to the Euros with a real dud, it’s a predictable ballad. You would think if anyone knew that you need something different to win Eurovision, it would be the Israelis. Come on fellas, enough with the pretty young ladies, send us more transsexuals.

LATVIA – 40/1
Walters & Kazha - "The war is not over"

Guys, why bother? What are you trying to prove? Ridiculous matching suit wearing, acoustic guitar playing, poorly groomed retards.

LITHUANIA – 33/1
Laura & The Lovers - "Little by little"

Laura has been a backing singer for the Scorpions, what pedigree, so I was disappointed to find that there was no whistling in this entry. It’s a nice song (has a little bit of blondie about it, in an eastern European way, which really means absolutely nothing). That will not make the final.

*MALTA – 10/1
Chiara - "Angel"

Personality free ballad from larger than life Michelle McManus-alike Chiara. Somehow the bookies have this at 10/1, you will have forgotten this by the time the next song starts. There were 186 songs entered into the Maltese final and somehow this won.

MOLDOVA – 40/1
Zdob si Zdub - "Boonika Bate Toba"

I believe the Turks tried something similar to this last year, which surprisingly went down quite well. It’s like a Moldovan folk/funk group (probably, obviously I have no idea what that would sound like). Will make the final, finishing in the top 10.

MONACO – 125/1
Lise Darly - "Tout de moi"

After finishing second in a song for Europe voting last year, Lise made such an impression on the panel that they selected her this year. Whoops!, “Tout de moi” (All of me), is a symphonic ballad (yawn). No place in the final, back to the drawing board.

NETHERLANDS – 25/1
Glennis Grace - "My impossible dream"

Glennis performs a Whitney Houston style ballad and is banking on her strong voice and performance to carry her. No! it’s not going to work, the impossible dream is possibly a reference to her chances of winning the Eurovision.

NORWAY – 9/2
Wig Wam - "In my dreams"

The Darkness/Glam rock inspired cock rock effort. The comedy rockers are taking Norway by storm & may well do the same at Eurovision. A top 5 finish is a strong possibility.

POLAND – 100/1
Ivan & Delfin - "Czarna dziewczyna"

Whilst Ivan & Delfin have proved very popular in Poland, they have also found themselves left off commercial radio playlists (and who can argue with that ringing endorsement). Ivan & Delfin are guilty of that most sinister of crimes, performing folk music, the large polish communities in the United States are apparently lapping them up & are welcome to them.

PORTUGAL – 80/1
2B - "Amar"

After hosting the European football championships in 2004, the Portuguese clearly have no desire to host Eurovision. Completely pointless song about a happy shiny day, the most interesting thing about this entry is that between 2000 and 2004 the female vocalist (Luciana) won every karaoke contest she entered, well this is 2005, so pack your bags and fuck right off.

ROMANIA – 10/1
Luminita Anghel & Sistem - "Let me try"

Euro-trance nonsense, fronted by a very static Lara Croft dress-a-like. There’s a bunch of blokes playing dustbins that light-up, sounds a lot like the Safri Duo meets Delerium with an awful vocalist which is a pity, because, although it’s terrible it might have had a chance. Will make final, but fall on its arse.

*RUSSIA – 40/1
Natalia Podolskaya - "Nobody hurt no one"

Very much like Garbage, the band, that is. Natalia was invited to perform in our very own song for Europe last year, however, she turned us down as she only wanted to perform for her native Belarus, how’d that work out for you? This year she’s decided to enter for Russia with a rocky little number that’s far too good to win Eurovision. Top 10.

*SERBIA & MONTENEGRO – 28/1
No Name - "Zauvijek Moja"

A ballad with an orchestral feel meets Serbian folk music sung by a group that probably sound like G4, I couldn’t say for sure as I’ve never heard them. If I’m right, I don’t want to hear them. Will place outside the top 10.

SLOVENIA – 80/1
Omar Naber - "Stop"

Omar is a dental technician, clearly a man that enjoys inflicting pain. He’s a mono-brow so can’t be trusted. You know what, for a bit of a ballad this ain’t too bad. I just don’t like him. A good bet to reach the final and a good bet to miss out on automatic qualification for next year.

*SPAIN – 40/1
Son de Sol - "Brujería"

Son de Sol (Sound of the sun) is made up of 3 sisters from Seville. The song “Brujeria” (Witchcraft) sounds a lot like something the Fast Show may have made up in it’s prime, although I’ve listened several times and found no reference to Chris Waddle.

*SWEDEN – 25/1
Martin Stenmarck - "Las Vegas"

Anyone remember Jimmy Ray? It’s like him, but without the catchy tunes and a personality. So what exactly does that leave? A bloke who failed miserably at Eurovision.

SWITZERLAND – 9/1
Vanilla Ninja, "Cool Vibes"

Vanilla Ninja hail from the musical hotbed that is Estonia. The gothic all girl quartet mark the second time Switzerland has been represented by a foreign artist, the first being sea-lion Dion who won in 1988. A good song, but maybe a bit too rock for the palate of the discerning Euro voter. Top 5.

*TURKEY – 40/1
Gülseren - "Rimi rimi ley"

Similar in concept to Ruslana last year, but without any passion or energy. An entirely forgettable performance will find itself virtually vote-less.

*UKRAINE – 50/1
Greenjolly - "Razom nas bahato"

With a video that looks like a bunch of tubby, crap footie hooligans & a sound similar to that of dog eat dog, Greenjolly are just a few days away from embarrassing themselves before millions, quickly followed by fading into oblivion.

*UNITED KINGDOM – 25/1
Javine - "Touch my fire"

A similar type of sound and performance worked a treat for the Turks in 2003, this, as I may have already mentioned is 2005. Ru-paul look-alike Javine can sex it up all she likes, but a song that sounds like it was written by a retarded six year old will only get the sympathy vote if it actually was written by a 6 year old biffa.

Summary

An unusual feel about Eurovision, far less ballads than we’ve been accustomed to.

The real difference for me, is the complete lack of absurd campness - is this the end of Eurovision as we know it? It’s a weak field and the top 5 this year probably would fall on their arses almost any other year.

It’s very difficult for me to say, but, I would love to see the French win, however, I see third place for them. The Norwegians will make it a closely fought race, but will fall into second place. When the dust settles the Michael Flatley-loving Hungarians will be crowned Eurovision champions for the very first time.

Here’s my complete prediction. First up, the countries that will qualify from the semi-final (BBC3 19/05/2005).

• Denmark
• Estonia
• Iceland
• Belarus
• Romania
• Slovenia
• Norway
• Switzerland
• Hungary
• Moldova

And now (Euro-trance rush drum roll) the top 10:-

• 10. MOLDOVA
• 9. DENMARK
• 8. RUSSIA
• 7. BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA
• 6. GREECE
• 5. ESTONIA
• 4. SWITZERLAND
• 3. FRANCE
• 2. NORWAY
• 1. HUNGARY

Links

What will Terry Wogan think?

Article on the Guardian website about this years' contest - although we hear a rumour that Wogan isn't doing this years' commentary. Has the world gone mad?

BBC Eurovision site

Scarily comprehensive, lots of pictures of Wogan