Paperjam

Forgive me father, for I have truly sinned.

Music // Jim // 25th June 2007

Forgive me father, for I have truly sinned.
“mumble, mumble?”
Err, how long is a bit of a difficult one. I’ve never actually confessed, really.
“mumble, mumble?”
Well, to be honest, I’m not actually a catholic; in fact I’m not really the church-ey type. But I have watched an awful lot of gangster films, so I sort of have a rough idea of the whole process.
“mumble, mumble”
Oh, go on. I’ll put a fiver in the collection box. There is something I really need to get off my chest. Honestly father, I have to confide in someone – the guilt is eating away at me at night I can hardly sleep. I don’t know what to do.
“mumble, mumble”
Ok, thanks, well it’s fairly bad I have to warn you. You see for years I have been… I’ve…. I…. Oh I can hardly bring myself to say it. I have been guilty of…
“mumble, mumble?”
No. I have not been interfering with young boys!
“mumble, mumble”
What do you mean it’s nothing to be ashamed of? I told you I’m not an actual Catholic.
“MUMBLE, MUMBLE”
OK I’m sorry, that was a bit below the belt. I apologise, but I’m not here to cough to being a nonce. You see my sins are causing me such shame that I am a bit tense about the whole thing.
“mumble, mumble?”
Well, yes, obviously I have impure thoughts. I would have thought that’s a given.
“mumble, mumble?”
Yes and that too, what do you people expect? I’m a single man in my thirties with a broadband connection, what am I supposed to do in the evenings? Watch Big Brother?
“mumble, mumble”
Alright, alright I’ll try and cut down a touch, if it’s going to cheer God up so much. Anyway can we get back to the matter in hand.
“mumble, mumble”
No, that wasn’t a pun.
“mumble, mumble”
Ok, well the thing is this, for several years now I have been living a lie. While trying to put about the façade of having some sort of taste in music I have also been enjoying illicit sessions of listening to terrible songs by terrible artists that I know are sinful and evil but for some horrible reason I have to debase myself with them now and again. Oh god, I feel so bad but it feels so right.
“mumble, mumble?”
Do I really have to give you an example, can’t I just be forgiven?
“mumble, mumble”
Oh, ok then. Are you sure you definitely won’t tell anyone?
“mumble, mumble”
Well sometimes, actually more often than I’d care to admit I find my hands wandering, almost of their own accord down my body, groping desperately towards the ipod in my pocket and I put on…. I put on… Somewhere In My Heart by Aztec Camera. Oh fuck, I just feel so dirty.
“mumble, mumble”
What do you mean it’s not that bad? It’s awful. But it reminds me of being a kid and it is stuck in my brain like the image of that eyeball being sliced in Un Chien Andalou - and like that I want it completely out of my head. But it’s just sooo catchy. Oh the shame, the low down dirty, dirty shame…
“mumble, mumble”
No, it gets worse - there are even more depraved examples.
“mumble, mumble!”
Occasionally, I find myself compelled by some unseen satanic force to listen to Pissing In The Wind by Badly Drawn Boy. Sometimes I even hum along with the twee, nasty harmonica solo. Should I consider self-flagellation to try and wean myself off it?
“mumble, mumble”
No, I can’t explain it at all, usually I wouldn’t piss on the tea-cosy-hatted tosser if he was alight but I just really like it. Mind you at least he can sing a bit, unlike the bloke out of EMF blundering his way through It’s You which has found it’s string laden, ridiculous guitar solo way on to my stereo far more times than can be morally acceptable – even to a catholic priest.
“mumble, mumble, mumble, MUMBLE, MUMBLE!”
Alright, sorry no more anti-catholic jokes. Please hear me out, this is painful but I do feel a weight is lifting.
“mumble, mumble”
Thanks, well it’s an odd one - I mean I really like Blur, but everyone, including them, reckons that Bang is the worst thing they ever did and almost certainly one of the worst songs going. Problem is I really like it. When I saw them on their singles tour they apologised before they played it, during it and then again afterwards. I really enjoyed it but had to act like I didn’t – I can’t carry on the charade, why should I be ashamed? I am what I am dammit and I enjoy Bang - even if it is appalling and everyone else hates it, including the people who actually wrote it.
“mumble, mumble”
Yeah, sorry, I’ll calm down. I must say you are being very understanding about all this. I would have thought you’d kick me out when I uttered the words “Badly Drawn Boy” on holy ground.
“mumble, mumble”
Mmmmm, well, this might test your resolve a bit more - you see, the next song I have to confess a deep fondness for is the product of one of the most dismal and downright heinous musical acts to have ever tainted the record collections of a million management accountants. I am talking of no less an evil than The Beautiful South.
“mumble, mumble!”
I know, hard to take isn’t it? In my defence I would point out that I bow to no-one in my hatred of virtually everything they have ever done but in my weaker moments I am drawn like a wino to an unguarded drip tray by the shocking tale of maudlin alcoholism that is Old Red Eyes Is Back. I’m definitely going to hell aren’t I?
“mumble, mumble”
I’m afraid there is one more and it is easily the worst. I’m not sure I should tell you.
“mumble, mumble”
Well, you know U2, you must do. Your boss hangs around with them all the time doesn’t he?
“mumble, mumble”
No, I meant the pope.
“mumble, mumble”
Anyway I’m not a massive fan, I like a few songs off Achtung Baby.
“mumble, mumble”
Exactly, not the worst thing ever, but do you remember the appalling Rattle and Hum album?
“mumble, mumble”
Blimey, that’s not the sort of language I’d expect a priest to use but I can’t blame you. The whole thing is a total debacle, I actually feel physically ill when Bono introduces Helter Skelter at the start, you know the whole “Charles Manson stole this song from the Beatles, we’re stealing it back” atrocity.
“mumble, mumble”
You’re right, “total wank-stain” does pretty much nail it. I mostly detest the whole thing except one particular song that I have carried around like some huge malignant secret for the best part of twenty years. I know that Angel Of Harlem is in many ways an awful blues and soul pastiche featuring some of Bono’s most nauseating yankophile posturing. I know that the way he name-checks John Coltrane is just nasty, but when the chorus kicks in it is all I can do to stop myself from yelling “SOOOOUUUUL LOOOOOVE AND THIS LOVE WOOO OON’T LET ME GOO OOO OOOO OOO” with a big smile all over my stupid face. I totally love it.
“mumble, mumble”
What do you mean get out of your fucking church?
“mumble, mumble!”
Don’t I have to do some sort of penance to be absolved of my sins? I mean I've gone out on a limb here and confessed to some pretty nasty stuff.
“MUMBLE, MUMBLE, YELL, YELL!”
Push a red-hot needle up my cock? That doesn’t sound very biblical to me. Still you’re the expert. Can I see you next week about the time I cried at the end of Field of Dreams and had to pretend I had conjunctivitis?