Paperjam

Most hateful sports and sportspeople

Sport // Jim // 8th November 2005

The reason that this country is sliding into an epidemic of obesity and physical atrophy isn’t down to Turkey Twizzlers or deep fried Mars Bars. It is because kids don’t like to play sports any more, mostly because:
a) Most sports are corrupt, boring or just plain shit
b) The people who play the sports are hateful, money grabbing idiots

When I was little we had the mythical figures of Kevin Keegan and Daley Thompson to look up to, these days it is the likes of Lee “McDonalds” Bowyer, dull Johnny Wilkinson and Paula “Why don’t I do it in the road?” Radcliffe who are supposed to tempt us away from the pub/playstation/kebab. Not going to happen is it? But just for a laugh who is most at fault?

Rugby Union

Attention you blazer-wearing, pint-despoiling, repressed homosexuals. I have a message for you:
All that forced poshness and the bizarre team rituals don’t disguise the fact that you like to spend Sundays knocking each other around for sadomasochistic kicks. William Webb Ellis was a cheat who was shit at football, that is the basis of your entire sport.

Football

Half-witted, barely literate, monosyllabic imbeciles who are unable to have sex on their own or drive a car properly.

Rightly considered the absolute scum of the fucking earth while simultaneously being worshipped like living gods. They earn the kind of money that could probably cure cancer and what do they spend it on? Haircuts, ghastly mansions and lawyers.

Turning up at a kid’s hospital once a year, in a shell suit with a “Kick Racism Out of Football” badge and a surly demeanour in order to be outwitted at snakes and ladders by a one-eyed eight year-old on a respirator, does not suddenly make you a good person.

You know that kid at school who was really good and had trials at a proper club? He was a complete cock wasn’t he?

Horse Racing

Animals are forced to commit incest and the by-products are whipped senseless by a bunch of bulimic, tax dodging midgets right until the end when they clearly let someone else win to keep the bookies happy and rob the proles of their hard earned dosh.

Meanwhile a bunch of posh birds get pissed on free champagne and shagged up the arse by any number of close relatives, all the while wearing the sort of hats that a blind Las Vegas drag queen would probably consider a bit much.

Truly it is the sport of kings.

Tennis

Absolutely sickening – A bunch of spoilt brats that groan like consumptive porn hags at even the most miniscule exertion and then abuse the living shit out of the poor bastards who have given up their weekend to sit and stare at a chalky line on their behalf.

In a recent development it seems they are now incapable of even picking up or putting down a towel, instead they rely on pointing aggressively at small children to get the towel before flinging the sweat sodden item back while demanding “A fucking coke”.

Angling

Essentially, a bunch of pikeys standing by a canal expecting to catch some fish with their stolen equipment. Idiots.

Formula One

In-bred European aristocracy, with the occasional suicidal Hispanic, playing follow the leader at 200 mph while Jim Rosenthal looks on.

The wages push the boundaries of traditional mathematics, while the entertainment on show is limited to who can put petrol in a car quickest. Not one of them has had the good grace to die or at least lose a limb in recent years, mostly decided not to bother in America because it was “dangerous”, despite that being THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT, you complete ponces.

Rugby League

Physical freaks who labour under the misapprehension that they are better than their union counterparts due to the northern working-class roots of the game. Truth is they aren’t sharp enough to understand all the rules so instead they play a glorified version of British Bulldog. Tend to drink like George Best with a new liver and like a bit of non-consenting action when not kicking people’s heads in.

If they are any good they fuck off to union pretty sharpish these days too.

Golf

Woman-hating middle managers and hopeless showbiz types, all of whom really can’t stand the fact that the best person in the world at their sport is black. None of them seem to be able to carry a bag without the assistance of a local peasant or a pointless electric car.

Like the Ku Klux Klan in disgusting diamond patterned sweaters. Oscar Wilde was right about this one.

Crown Green Bowls

Nonce city, a friend on the force tells me with complete sincerity.

Cricket

A load of drug addled kit fetishists (even at village 8th team level there are people who have the same bat as Tendulkar) who seem to play for any country other than the one that they were actually born in. Will kick over the stumps quicker than you can say “match fixing” if there are a few quid in it.

Worrying tendency toward stupid hair and a modicum of success will no doubt see them falling into the roast-a-thon lifestyle that they have all craved since they weren’t good enough to get into the school footie team.

Boxing

Money laundering gangster front involving naïve thugs who don’t seem to understand exactly how brain damage is caused.

The most famous fight of all time was won by a man whose entire strategy was to let his opponent beat him senseless until he was really tired – look how that ended up; the winner a victim of crippling Parkinson’s disease, the loser a fucking billionaire grill salesman.

Any sport which has Don King as a senior commercial figure is clearly about as honest as Jeffrey Archer.

Athletics

The testing ground for the drugs of tomorrow, also features the least shaggable women on the planet. Yuck.