Paperjam

My Tramp juice Odyssey

Drink // Jim // 4th February 2008

Following a workplace discussion the other week on the nature of tramp juice and the entertaining web site dedicated to its existence - I return from holiday to find two cans of something special lurking in a dodgy tesco carrier on my desk.

On perusal I find the surprise package contains two fine examples of the bench-dwelling connoisseur’s reason for waking up each day. I am now the owner of two fairly intimidating cans of super strength lager from the possibly legendary Amsterdam brewery, proudly proclaiming (perhaps unnecessarily) in big gold letters “Imported from Holland”.

Firstly, tipping the scales at a socially/morally/spiritually irresponsible 11.6% is the terrifyingly named “Maximator”, sounds like a villain off a kids cartoon, doesn’t it?

The second can is entitled “Navigator”, presumably because at a relatively paltry 8.4% you can happily enjoy a few before discharging your duties as a scout leader, taxi driver or co-pilot.

I drink the Navigator while dozing on the sofa listening to the smooth drone-rock of Electrelane (do check the link, ace song), probably a first for this particular tipple – it’s not bad but when I stand up to go to the toilet I do feel a bit woozy and suddenly feel the need to shout something like “yaaaaa fukkkkennnn basssshhhhtard copppppers ahhllll wankerrrrssss”.

Could it be the Electrelane?

A day later and I’m drinking the Maximator as I’m writing this and to be honest my fingers are going numb with each, surprisingly tasty, gulp. In essence it is an entire night out in a can. I am scientifically observing (in real-time) the following results:

- My nose has gone red
- I want to write to all the women that have ever rejected me to be slurrily apologetic, then aggressive and finally start crying. Somehow. In text. Via e-mail.
- I feel like singing something by Sinatra, or maybe, Sinitta.
- I definitely want to have a fight with someone, ideally a middle aged alcoholic lady wearing a shell-suit and preferably in a bus shelter
- I want to go to Kelsey’s (bit Leamington that, sorry)

Check out the Amsterdam beers web site, two things to note: Firstly, you can’t buy it in the UK and secondly, they do another one called the “Explorator”. Hmmmm. Think yourselves lucky I didn’t get hold of that.