Paperjam

New Hollywood Remakes

Film // Jim // 29th April 2003

Following on from the astounding commercial and critical success of re-makes such as The Visitors and Rollerball, here is the exclusive paper-jam guide to this years cinematic treats getting the tinseltown makeover:

Withnail & I: Steve Guttenberg and Ted Danson are a pair of drunk, washed up actors...... IN THE FILM STUPID!!!!!! Struggling to make end meets they go on a killing spree across the midwest. Gritty in the extreme, advance word has given us a heads up about a scene in which the pair go ballistic during a stomach churning set-piece robbery in a tea room. May have trouble with the censors due to the disturbing scene in which Guttenberg is pimped out to gay crime lord Marlon Brando!!

Brief Encounter: Mickey Rourke and Kathleen Turner Sizzle in this erotic update, test audiences were turned off by the downbeat ending where Turner left on a train, so now they have shot a new one where she goes like one!!

Carry on up the Khyber: Look out Oscar, Steven Spielberg might just be in Gandhi territory with this one!!

Battle Royale: The re-make of the cult Japanese, kids killing each other on an island movie is currently lensing under the watchful gaze of Chris “Home alone” Columbus. The state enforced killing spree plot of the original has been switched to a more believable treasure hunt-against-the-clock yarn with Columbus promising suspense and adventure at every turn. Billy Crystal stars as the stern but loveable teacher, who proves to be a deft shot with a piece of chalk!!

Lawrence of Arabia: The classic updated - Steven Seagal is the new tough Lawrence kicking butt across the middle east. This is one Lawrence who won’t be stopping off at any turkish baths!! This could be massive, expect Rambo meets Dune!!