Road Test! BMW 1 Series
Games // Jim // 29th December 2004
For most of my life, I have not really been regarded as the most trustworthy of people. At school I was never allowed to use the drilling machine after a minor incident involving a loose chuck key and a teacher’s face. Moving on, now that all of my friends are starting to have children, I am kept well away - seemingly the only person deemed unsafe to hold on to the little shitbags for half an hour.
So it came as quite a surprise when my housemate (lets call him “Matty” for the sake of anonymity) offered to leave me in charge of his new BMW company car while he is away enjoying some quality time with a “lady friend in China” for three weeks. But then he has never been the sharpest knife in the draw...
The 1 Series: Great to drive, complete tosser image
First Impressions
The 1 series is a funny looking motor, I quite like it, although my personal tastes have been proven time and again to be out of step with contemporary fashionable concensus. The sculpted mini-estate look is rather love it or loathe it, despite superficially resembling other popular cars like the Alfa 147 or Ford Focus.
The gun metal grey colour that Matty has chosen suits the car well and has certainly done a good job of hiding many of the dents and scratches that seem to have appeared over the last week or so.
Inside it is all very smart in a detached, Germanic way. You sit quite low and the steering wheel is extremely thick and covered in buttons, the urge to turn into a standard BMW-driving twat begins to build.
In a completely pointless move the car has a kind of plastic dongle thing that you slot into the dashboard unlocking everything, the engine is then started via a button. The only problem is that it doesn’t work unless you have the clutch engaged. There's a frustrating five minutes in the car park, I can tell you.
Driving it around
Once you have sussed out how to start it up the engine rumbles
into life. This being a diesel things are fairly noisy at low speed, once you
are up and running
everything sounds a lot smoother and a bit butch when you completely floor
it.
BMW's are famous for being good to drive and this is no exception. The steering
is great, really heavy and direct. A couple of hours on twisty A-roads and
you’ll
be having a great time, plus a fairly serious upper body work out. The handling
seems really good and despite being rear-wheel drive I haven’t managed
to get it to slide on the roundabout near Macdonald's at all yet.
Dummies are shit drivers
Of course all this means that you will start getting too confident and turn into even more of a BMW-driving twat. A state of affairs that is not helped at all by the completely shite indicators on this car. Instead of proper indicators that click into place, the 1 series has this poxy thing that you push, which then springs straight back. Really it is shit, you will end up indicating all over the shop trying to turn them on and off. I am sure I caused at least three accidents on the M42 trying to grips with it. Rubbish
You will find that driving a BMW causes people to treat you differently. Don’t bother trying to turn right onto a busy road, no one is going to let you out. Conversely, if you stop to let anyone out they stare suspiciously at you, assuming it is some sort of trap. Unfortunately the usual wankers that drive Beemers have ruined it for everyone else, if you are thinking of getting a 1 series bear this in mind, or revert to type and drive like an idiot. The choice is yours.
Is it quick?
Oh yes, in fact the second policeman who collared me almost stopped being sarcastic for a minute to express how surprised he was at the pace of the car.
Being fairly smooth on the Motorway, you can find yourself going a wee bit too fast a wee bit too easily, be warned.
Anything else?
There is a headrest in the middle of the back seats which entirely blocks the rear view, get rid of it sharpish.
The boot is fairly big but not large. Spacious enough for a suitcase or two, so fine for a smuggler or drug dealer. If you are a serial killer or kidnapper though you are going to want something a bit bigger. I would imagine.
Overall, a good car that is fun to drive and probably better than getting the train which is what I’ll be doing when Matty gets back from his sex tourist trip to the Far East.
Should you buy one?
Probably not, they cost an absolute fortune and everyone will think you are a complete tosser.
Comments
A fair and honest appraisal and I will be sticking with the Mondeo. Thanks
Willow : 14/04/2005 14:06:54
you suck so bad
yousuck : 22/08/2005 23:01:57
As did your mum.
Only joking, she was great!
jim : 23/08/2005 17:37:41
Hired a 1 series petrol for a week and was I glad to give it back? YES! Hopeless indicators, poor rear view in mirrors, sluggish performance, hard to get a comfortable driving position, same prob with aircon - must be a setting somewhere that works but I couldn’t find it! Poor boot space. Fuel consumption high for a car of this size. Handling seemed OK, lights pretty good. When I made these comments to my son, who used to work for a BMW garage he said, “Well what did you expect - it’s a BMW!”
Richard Davis : 06/11/2005 07:03:20
Oh,and I forgot to mention that the steering wheel rim obscures the instruments as well, unless you happen to be a dwarf and can see through the gaps!
Richard Davis : 06/11/2005 07:05:55
Real men drive Audis
Tom : 05/12/2005 19:02:12
This sounds like the rantings of someone jelious little 3 year old whoes mummy wont by him a BMW cos it too expensive! ps only real men can afford a BMW! Had one for 2 months and trust it turns heads!
Raja : 04/01/2006 15:06:38
I suppose it’s too late to swap it for a dictionary?
Tom : 04/01/2006 21:06:55
Hell stick 4 wheels on the bottom of a dictionary and it would still drive better then an Audi!
Raja : 05/01/2006 09:55:42
Turn a few heads and a few stomachs as well I should imagine.
Raja, how did you feel when the sporty 1 series was kicked round the track by a Golf and the much cheaper Focus ST?
Willow : 05/01/2006 14:24:39
Track ______ Streets of London, Little Differance…
Be a Lion for once, even though this car has had bad reviews by people like Willow who have porbably never driven in something more than there mothers Ford Fiesta, I baught it and have not regretted it til date.
Raj
Raj : 16/01/2006 15:05:28
Raj. You’re not doing much to change the BMW Twat image matey. lol
Rich : 17/01/2006 21:45:16
The 1 series is superb compared to the Focus ST - and thats from an ST owner! The main problem with the ST is that it is made by ford! Blue badge=shite! I’ve traded mine in and pick up my shiny 1 series this week! Now back to playing with your corgi toys children - most of you will never have the means to afford to drive a Beemer and if you do the police will get you eventually - mines got Tracker! Micra driving fuckers!
STOwner : 13/05/2006 09:46:06
waiting for my beemer 1.6 se they let me one for a week not a boy racer car but super glued to the road , looks good,17k check out a ford or vauxhall badge for that price i love the badge my mates are sick as pretty polly
ken : 19/11/2006 14:42:30
Personally, having driven the series 1, I prefer my VW lupo. It may be a little noisy on the motorway but once your radio is on, you can’t hear a thing. Plus as it only has a 1 litre engine, it is better for the environment and the tax will be cheaper this year. It is economical to run and is great for parking and getting past tight spaces. What more could you want? I feel more like I am in control when driving my Lupo, in the BMW as it is more powerful, I feel like it is driving me!
Julie : 05/04/2007 13:22:41