Paperjam

The acts you will never see impersonated on "Stars in Their Eyes"

TV // Jim // 24th June 2003

Cunning bastards that they are, ITV try to fool us into thinking that SITE (as I like to call it) isn't just for people who wear cardigans. Occasionally a slightly alternative, trendy or strange choice of act will creep in, key case in point being the bloke who did Jarvis Cocker. However radical the SITE producers try to be I will bet my own money that the following will never be seen conversing in a light hearted manner with Matthew "Beach House" Kelly.

The Black and White Minstrels
Grandparents tap their toes and ask what all the fuss is about while the rest of the nation sit open mouthed in speechless incredulity that the licence fee once went towards funding this.

Gary Glitter
Several “Stars” hopefuls said to be switching allegiance to Alvin Stardust as we speak.

NWA
Would be great to see a bunch of accountants from Peterborough doing Fuck Tha Police while Matthew Kelly looks on, smiling nervously.

Keith Harris and Orville
Seems unlikely that any small child will be convinced by their freshly perm-mulleted dad to get inside the costume.

St Winifreds School Choir
Can’t imagine ITV letting Kelly into a room full of little girls (in case they have drugs with them, not for any other reasons).

The Wedding Present
The idea is that when people walk out of the smoke they look like they have been in make up for ages, not that they look like the laundrette has been closed for a week.

Anal Cunt
Stupefyingly offensive shit metal band with possibly the most distasteful song I can imagine: Van Full of Retards. Enough to have Noam Chomsky calling for a censorship clampdown. Still slightly better than Toploader though...

Dannii Minogue
Just not really likely is it?

The Polyphonic Spree
No more robes left in the shop.