Paperjam

The Chronicles Of Riddick

Film // Jim // 12th August 2004

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - EVENING
In the street outside a large expensive, gothic looking house, film director DAVID TWOHY is with some friends, talking and laughing. TWOHY turns to his front door and his friends leave him to walk on down the road, he waves them goodbye as he opens the door.

INT. HOUSE HALLWAY -EVENING
The hallway is decorated with large chunks of riveted, brushed steel. TWOHY walks down the hallway past film posters for Dune, Star Wars, Lord Of The Rings and an especially big one for Pitch Black. He reaches a doorway and walks through...

INT. HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - EVENING
TWOHY enters a large living room, the lights are off but a little orange light from a street lamp cuts across the room through a gap in the curtains. The shadowy forms of loads of big metal faces and large scale models of scary men in armour adorn the walls. For some reason there is quite a lot of steam. TWOHY crosses the room in the near dark towards a sideboard cluttered with glasses and various bottles of booze. As he reaches in the sideboard the dim light from outside picks out a shadowy figure sitting in the corner.

TWOHY
(shocked)
Jesus...who?

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
(improbably deep growling voice)
I trusted you Twohy. I don't trust many people.

The figure leans forward in the dim light, we can see that it is JIM, a scruffy man in jeans and a t-shirt. In his hand he has a sad looking swiss-army pen-knife which he has used to shave off several years worth of hair and beard. He is wearing what appears to be a pair of swimming goggles which he has blacked out with a marker pen.

TWOHY
(nervous and cautious)
You!... Somehow I knew you'd come back.

JIM
It was you Twohy, you bought me back.... You bought me back for... this.

In a flash JIM pulls something from his pocket and in an instant jumps up somersaulting (in ultra slow motion) towards TWOHY. He lands in front of him holding the item a few inches from the terrified director's face. It is a piece of paper, specifically a cinema ticket stub.

CLOSE UP: CINEMA TICKET STUB
"16:00 Showing - The Chronicles Of Riddick"

TWOHY
(Quietly)
Oh, I see.... I'm.... I'm....

JIM
(Deeply and slowly)
Sorry?

TWOHY
(Jabbering)
Well, Pitch Black was supposed to be like The Hobbit to Riddick's Lord Of The-

JIM
(Cutting him off)
Shut up!

JIM lifts up his swimming goggles, his eyes are all red and bloodshot from spending too long watching films in the dark.

JIM
(Voice so deep it is almost subsonic)
You made three mistakes.
First you took the money and made the sequel. Bad move. You knew it could never be as good as Pitch Black when you had that kind of price on your head.
Second, you came light. What was all that shit about the "Underverse" and the "Necromongers"? Where was the tension and plot from the first film? What was Judi Dench doing floating about like a tissue in a car park? WHAT THE FUCK WERE THOSE BIG SPIKY DOG THINGS?
What a fuckin' insult.
Thirdly and worst of all, you left just enough good bits in; Big Vin killing people with a teacup, Evil Thandie Newton and her cleavage, that unpleasant Toombs bloke and the bit on the fiery/icy planet, to keep me interested enough to watch the whole damn thing.

JIM replaces the swimming goggles over his eyes for no good reason at all. He lifts up the nail file bit on his swiss army knife in what he hopes is a threatening manner.

JIM
Which leads me to my last question, which you had better answer right... Are you going to refund my ten quid for this ticket or what?

[FADE OUT]

Diesel: Teacup - Dench: Tissue