Paperjam

The paper-jam art of seduction

Sex // Jim // 25th December 2006

A lot of people stop me in the street and ask why I’m still single. Apart from the obvious eight or nine reasons, the main answer is: Practice. You really need to work at these things otherwise before you know it you’ll be in Ikea at the weekend, arguing over whether to watch Celebrities Come Dancing or X Factor before going home for a dinner party.

Shudder.

A key component of this is the fine art of seduction; you must have what it takes to enjoy the company of young ladies whilst ensuring that:
1 ) They don’t get any funny ideas about introducing you to their parents.
2 ) You don’t go to prison.

It’s a difficult one to pull off, use the questions below to evaluate your likelihood of avoiding both PTA meetings and “Shirley” on C Wing…

Where do you go to meet the laydeez?
a- Wine bars and restaurants that run speed dating nights.
b- Playgrounds, bail hostels, MacDonald’s…
c- Pubs with liberal door policies regarding footwear.

What do you talk about to get them in the mood for sweet, sweet love?
a- Tell them about how much your house has appreciated since you bought it, the big contract you landed this week and the options you’ve chosen on your new Audi.
b- Spoilers, sub-woofers, recent trends in sports-casual clothing.
c- Painfully list in extreme detail all the reasons why they shouldn’t have anything to do with you, beyond buying you another drink. And bang on about The Smiths.

What do you consider the perfect choice for a romantic nightcap?
a- Champagne, or maybe a good Scotch.
b- Bacardi Breezer/Rohypnol.
c- Half a bottle of vodka washed down with whatever else you can find in the fridge. Then the Gin. Then the Tequila.

What is the soundtrack?
a- Something smooth, maybe Sade? Possibly Sting? Or if you really need to close the deal, The Lighthouse Family.
b- Crazy Frog Mega-mix.
c- All of the most absolutely fucking depressing music that you own.

How do you remove a bra?
a- Skilfully, one-handed with a flick of finger and thumb.
b- Stanley knife, or teeth if feeling a bit romantic.
c- With all the finesse and dexterity of a dog playing a flute. It’s a ten-minute affair during which your tongue will be stuck out like a six-year old doing a tricky crayon sketch of a house. Eventually you’ll have to ask for assistance, only to find that she’s not much help either.

Foreplay?
a- A sensual experience lasting several hours probably involving furry handcuffs, ice-cream, baby oil and a Lighthouse Family CD on repeat.
b- Tits first – if you have to.
c- Hilariously inept, uncoordinated and occasionally frenetic fumbling, all leading to the point where you suddenly realise that you couldn’t even raise an eyebrow and give the whole thing up as a bad job.

How do you know when a lady has reached her sexual climax?
a- She screams with intense pleasure and scratches half the skin off your arse.
b- She drops her chips.
c- She wakes you up.

How do you sleep afterwards?
a- Peacefully with her cradled in your arms (Lighthouse Family still on quietly in the background, just in case).
b- As comfortably as you can in a Citroen Saxo with a racing seats.
c- Wake up to find that you have drooled in her hair and are stuck like a dolphin in a tuna net, spend a few minutes trying to fart as quietly as possible before falling back into an alcohol induced slumber.

It is the next morning, she is awake and whispers something to you, what is your choice of pillow talk riposte?
a- Tell her how beautiful she is in the morning. Then put on the James Blunt album and bring her breakfast in bed.
b- Tell her that she’ll be late for school if she doesn’t get a move on.
c- Moan through a mouthful of matted hair: “Fuck off, I feel absolutely shocking”.

How did you score?
Mostly A’s: Oh dear oh dear. You really haven’t got a clue have you? Keep this up and you’ll be married with kids (probably all called “Tarquin”) before you know it. Cancel the gym membership at once and stop shaving regularly.
Mostly B’s: Do you know what the word “Nonce” actually means?
Mostly C’s: You the man.