Paperjam

The scariest songs ever?

Music // Jim // 4th February 2004

Compilation albums come in three forms as far as I can tell:
- Twelve hour long compilations badged by shite past-it nightclubs mixed by some no-mark off Radio 1.
- The ones with a cover featuring a sports cars with an oiled up lady leaning against it.
- Anything ending with “....in the world....EVER! (volume IX) (!)"

Time for some new blood to crash this tired old party, what we need is a new genre, a new approach. Seeing as there is a continuing vogue for horror films (and shit horror film re-makes) in the cinema world I reckon it is time for an aural equivalent.
Join us then as we list the recordings making up the initial paper-jam scary compilation tape. Things start off easy but it gets quite grim towards the end. Please send any further suggestions in. The best one will receive a CD with this lot on.

The Teachers Are Afraid Of The Pupils - Morrissey - off Southpaw Grammar
Something of a trip-hop effort from Morrissey. Over a spooky, repetitive orchestral riff we hear how nasty it is being a teacher these days. Compare and contrast with The Headmaster Ritual by The Smiths for irony bonus points. All gets a bit heavy before the end. “To be finished would be a relief” intones Moz, you can only agree after eleven minutes of this.

All of After Murder Park - The Auteurs
Just reading the track listing is reasonably upsetting as this album contains gems such as Light Aircraft On Fire and Unsolved Child Murder. This was released in 1996 when everyone else was busy making happy britpop music, not Luke Haines though.
Also notable for the start of Haines’ Baader Meinhof obsession as detailed on the catchy Tombstone (a favourite of Chris Evans apparently).

Lullaby - The Cure - off Disintegration
The spider-man is coming to eat Robert Smith, I only hope he’s really hungry. Someone I know considers this to be top-notch shagging music - only if you are a goth I reckon.
Not likely to help you drop off peacefully, especially the bit about “his tongue in my eyes”. Yukk.

Liar - The Rollins band
“ Look mummy, the big scary man with the tattoos just wants to be friends with us , how nice”.
“ OH NO I FUCKING DON”T HA HA HA HAAAAA HAAAAAAAAA”.
Particularly unsettling as it lulls you into a false sense of security before unleashing the nasty screaming and bitter recrimination.

The Dead Flag Blues - Godspeed! You Black Emperor - off F# A# Infinity
Bung this on the stereo nice and loud, turn the lights off settle down as some mellow ambient noises massage the senses before the most upset sounding man in recording history bursts in, announcing: “The car’s on fire and there’s no driver at the wheel. The sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides”. He goes on to suggest (at some length) that we are stuck in the belly of a horrible machine, which is bleeding to death. Then it descends into a repetitive violin led dirge, some train noises followed by a mellow guitar instrumental to calm you down.
Better than it sounds, trust me.

Stagger Lee - Nick Cave and he Bad Seeds - off Murder Ballads
Incredibly unpleasant (yet most entertaining) ditty about a self proclaimed “Bad Mother Fucker”, killing and raping etc. in depression era US of A. Unrelentingly grim in both sound and subject, building to a crescendo involving a man being shot whilst being forced to give the narrator a blow-job. Any record which credits one of the recording artists with “Gunshots” is just bound to be trouble. Heard this played in a pub once, grown men cried. So nasty that it even manages to eclipse the half hour long slaughter of O’Malleys Bar on the same album.

Voyeur’s Blues - Penthouse
Filthy sounding sex blues rawk. Definitely the record to play during Christmas dinner to get the party going. Interesting, although this is entirely about sex, you should never attempt to have sex while this record is on. Some sort of sexual dysfunction psychosis is sure to result.

She’s lost control - Grace Jones
The Joy Division original is for wimps, this is the definitive version, starts out all laid back and a bit reggae-ish - Absolutely fucking terrifying by the end. “Sheeees Lost Controooollllll” screams Grace in a manner not unlike a castrato pig that is being kicked to death inside an echo chamber, in the background we are treated to the sounds of cars crashing and sinister laughing.

Bob’s yer uncle - Happy Mondays - off Pills ‘n’ Thrills and Bellyaches
The “romantic” interlude off this otherwise top notch album. Shaun Ryder utters filth while someone plays a recorder in the background. There is a load of erotic groaning which actually sounds like someone having a particularly difficult dump, which may not be too far from the truth. If this is a document of Ryder's social life circa 1990 I wouldn’t like to have seen the state of his sheets. In a word: Gruesome.

Ready and waiting for some lucky punter...