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Time for a new philosophy

Weird // Jim // 30th March 2005

Philosophers have been at it for thousands of years, pondering the really big questions; Why are we here? Is there a God? Is there any point to existence? Can I get away with wearing these boxers for another day?

So far they appear to have turned up absolutely nothing, apart from some differently worded but essentially identical questions and then all gone mad and/or caught nasty sexually transmitted diseases.

So to all you modern day thinkers and philosophy students, it is time for a change in the terms of reference, please find below the mysteries of existence I think we really do need an answer to quite shortly, any answers/theories are most welcome...

1. Can someone please sit me down and very slowly take me through what the actual differences are between the major political factions in this (or in fact any other) country.

2. In these relatively enlightened times when most civilised people reject racism, homophobia and taking the piss out of girls for being shit at parking, why does our society still shamefully turn a blind eye to the practice of Morris Dancing?

3. What the fuck is still going on with the Amazon recommendations thing? Am I the kitsch, fitness exercise video viewing, Star Trek loving, Christina Aguilera fan it is making me out to be?

4. Is the concept of monarchy now completely redundant? Should the English royal family be dissolved? Especially now that we are only one really serious car accident away from the likes of Prince Harry being in charge?

5. The films they show on Channel 5; How? Why?

6. What is the ethical position on the hypothetical theory that people who watch the extended E4 24 hour coverage of Big Brother should be rounded up and put into camps of some sort?

7. Assuming that the universe is expanding at an accelerating rate, while the speed of light is constant, can anyone explain why those screens at railway stations are able to distort time in order to say that the train you have been waiting half an hour for is “expected late” ten minutes ago?

8. If we accept that there is no such thing as fate and man holds his destiny in his own hands...
Why are England destined to always go out in the knockout stages following a disallowed (but perfectly good goal) and a penalty shoot out that we all sit and watch despite knowing exactly what is going to fucking happen?

9. When will women finally stop telling that huge collective lie that what they really look for most in a man is a sense of humour?

10. If the Illuminati or other shadowy meta-government organisations are really shaping the new world order through the subtle manipulation of global politics and religious memes, is George Bush (a man so irretrievably stupid that he nearly died from forgetting to chew his food) really the best plan that they could come up with?

11. Elton John got married once you know, what was that about?

12. Is it reasonable to assume that Nietzsche’s proclamation that “God is dead” has finally been proved entirely correct by the emergence of Mcfly?

13. Would a man with the surname "Groom" still be allowed to be a children's TV presenter?

Not just links, think of them as gateways to ontological truth...

The Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy

It is all here, how some of the greatest intellectuals of all time have dodged answering the big questions by using some really difficult words and constructing the kind of paragraphs that you need a map to find your way around.

What is a meme, really?

A guide here from the helpful and comprehensive Wikipedia

The Illuminati.org web site

Chilling, they've got FrontPage and everything. Dammit, I knew Gates was involved.