Paperjam

Travelling Woes, Hints and Tips

Travel // Nick // 30th July 2006

I have just returned from one of my regular work-based jaunts to the US, along with the usual miserable immigration officials and nonsense security arrangements. I just thought I would share a couple of travel tales for fun.

Checking in at Boston airport you go through the normal security questions, one of which now is whether you have a cigarette lighter / matches. These are now not allowed on flights to and from the US. As a fairly honest person, I stated that yes, I had a lighter, but I knew the rules and intended to throw it in the bin prior to going through security (Logan airport does not have smoking areas past security. To be honest it has sod-all apart from a few seats, and doesn’t really count as an international airport in my book). I was informed that I had to give it to the person asking the questions – this was pre bag-drop as I had checked in online. I asked why and was told ‘because we’ve asked the questions and need to verify this’.
At this point I could have asked any number of pertinent questions. What if I had lied? What if I had forgot? What if I had given them the lighter and then simply bought another from the newsagent opposite that was freely selling them? If they have a rule, fine, but at least think the thing through. As I generally don’t want to mess with US immigration I gave them the lighter with a response of ‘your country’s paranoia does you no credit’. Luckily all I got was a scowl rather than a full body search. In the interests of testing security and mostly sheer bloody-mindedness I went and bought another lighter, had a quick smoke outside and then went through security and onto my flight with it sitting in my jacket pocket. If the sum of security is asking people a question and hoping they tell the truth – ‘yes I have a small vial of nitro glycerine’ – then I think we know the security is a PR exercise rather than an effective response to risk.

As an aside, I’m thinking pulling together a class action law-suite for all smokers to reclaim the cost of lighters disposed due to these rules. They may only be a pound or less a go, but add up the number of flights taken and it adds to millions. Along with all those knuckle dusters, samurai swords and ICBMs disposed of at airports.

As a balance, the UK can have it’s own ludicrousness when coming to airports. Going out I had an electronic ticket booked by an agent of our company – I had no printed ticket or itinerary other than a confirmation email that was hand typed. I checked in on-line, and at no point (I checked this whilst at the airport going through emails whilst arguing with an official) was it stated that I needed this. When going to the bag-drop for those who had checked in online I was told I could not go through as I had no proof I had a ticket. I did try to argue for a short while about the semantics of ‘electronic ticket’ but obviously was going to have no joy with the particular sub-human doing the checks. I will point out that I’ve flown with the same airline seven times this year to the US and had never before been asked for anything other than a passport and where I was going. I was directed to the DIY check in line, which was useless as I had already checked in. Luckily I managed to collar a more intelligent member of staff who, without any drama and with up-most courtesy took my passport to the front desk and with this got a printed ‘e-ticket receipt’, with which I could then go through and drop my bags. Thank you for this one sane individual. Given that all I would do at the desk is give them my passport, at which point they check the booking and issue the boarding pass (or tell you to fuck off if it doesn’t exist), where was the risk in letting me through in the first place? Only that I may not have checked in online, of which they don’t ask you proof of anyway, in which case they would just re-direct you. And they wonder why people get wound up when travelling.

A few additional points;

1: Iris Scanning – at most BAA airports you can now voluntarily sign up for Iris scan immigration. OK it may be a bit Big Brother, but given the government are trying to add biometric information to your passport next time you renew it get ahead of the curve and gain the advantage. On your way out of the country find the office after security (usually not very well signposted) and sign up. The procedure takes about as long as checking into the flight without the queues, plus the addition of taking an iris scan that takes a minute or so. From this point on you can return through immigration using the iris scanners. What this means practically is when you return from a red-eye flight from wherever, and get to the immigration hall where there are a couple of thousand people in the queue, you just walk up to one of the two or three booths they have (with absolutely no queue), look at the screen and you’re through. Makes you feel very smug as even the first class passengers have a queue.

2: Correct seat selection – Given the similarity of set-up for specific planes regardless of airline – though this is from experience on specifically Virgin, but also BA and Qantas – if you are flying on a 747 (Jumbo-Jet) in economy, the back of the plane is the place to be. Providing you can get either window or aisle next to window seats, rows 61 on have only two rather than three seats on the outside of the plane. This means the window seat has lots of space where there could have been another seat, and the aisle is only next to one so doesn’t get disturbed as much. As a specific to Virgin row 62 has, for no apparent reason, an extra 3 inches legroom on these side seats. You are also at the start of the meal service on Virgin – though it may be the end for other airlines.

3: General point for all travellers – when going through the xray / security TAKE YOUR FUCKING COAT OFF. Stuff EVERYTHING from your pockets either in your bag or coat, put this through the scanner PLEASE. Organise your belongings before you get there OR ELSE. Most of the delays are down to people who haven’t followed these simple rules, despite in most airports these being explicitly stated well in advance of getting to the scanners. HOW DIFFICULT IS IT? I know a lot of people only travel once or twice a year, but that doesn’t excuse understanding basic instructions. It’s the same irritation I feel when a woman (and yes, it is always a woman) at the checkout of a supermarket suddenly has to dig in her handbag for her purse to pay only after the final total comes up. WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, MORON?