Paperjam

What I'd Do To Deal With Home Grown Terrorists

Rant // Nick // 7th August 2007

1) Decriminalise everything: Honest, if you can think of the one thing that absolutely paralyses any western person, it is the abundance of choice. I recently needed to buy a new fridge freezer. Hardly the most taxing of consumer decisions; but my wife and I spent numerous weekends visiting a variety of shops, as we needed to check out amongst other things that the ‘stainless steel finish’ actually looked ok, and whether or not we needed an inbuilt wine rack (obviously yes), and agonised over whether we should spend more for the trendy one with funky door handles for what was essentially something to keep the milk cold. Once deciding on the model of choice, we not only trawled the internet for the best price, but phoned them to make sure they were a real company and to work out the delivery / disposal of old fridge options.

Now transfer this to a junior jihadist looking for his first bomb. Given the amount of contemplation, trepidation and angst about whether we got the right fridge, imagine this for a would-be martyr. If you’re contemplating how to blow yourself to kingdom-come and have the whole panoply of explosive devises to choose, how could you pick the best way to permanently separate your arse from your elbow? Consumer confusion will ensure that they give up and look at internet porn instead.

2) Mandatory Arabic lessons: Let’s face it, where has learning French got us? Apart from the last century we’ve been permanently at war with them anyway, and apart from some bits of Africa (which are mostly Arabic speaking too) nowhere else bothers with it. A snotty waiter in Paris is still going to be snotty unless you are truly fluent, so unless you are planning to go to the Sorbonne don’t worry. The advantages of learning Arabic are many;

a. You can read the Koran in the original language. And realise it is just as much a bunch of shite as the Bible.
b. You can converse with more British people in Arabic than French
c. You can go on adventure through the Magreb and enjoy the courtesy of truly friendly people with no political agenda. Apart from Libya.
d. You can go on an adventure through the holy lands and be hated by both Israelies as you speak Arabic, and Palestinians as you have spoken to Israelies
e. You can become a highly paid spy for the US, as they haven’t even got people who can speak English.
f. You can tell over-excited Immams with one hand in British mosques to ‘calm down’ in an interesting Arabian-Liverpudlian cross-over accent

3) Mandatory National Service: But not the old-style stuff people who are old enough to remember it but didn’t have to do it but still call for it style. National service dependent on a questionnaire on your roots. If you define yourself more as a Pakistani than British, you have to do six months helping out earthquake victims in Baltistan. If you define yourself as Indian you have to do six months on police duty in Bihar. If you define yourself as English, you have to do six months community work in Stoke. Tough choices.

4) Reformation style destruction of places of worship: OK, this is just for a laugh, but rather than trying to wipe out a particular religion, why not try to wipe them all out? Apart from lot’s of fun quips about ‘where’s your god now?’ you could unite an entire nation against a government, and thereby remove any domestic terrorism once it has been toppled. You may think this is an extreme idea, but I’m not so sure this isn’t the US strategy in Iraq by proxy, letting them all just get on with blowing the hell out of each other.