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World Cup Pundits: ITV vs BBC

Sport // Jim // 15th June 2010

So, the world cup is under way. Among peripheral issues - such as which country is going to triumph, who will claim the golden boot and just how long into that nervy second round game will Wayne Rooney attempt to bite the ear off an opposing defender - the real issue is which channel has the best coverage. Lets pit them against each other...

Presenters

Adrian Chiles vs Gary Lineker
Chiles wears the grim expression of a man who now realises that he has given up discreetly rubbing himself against Bleakley five nights a week in order to share airtime with the likes of Count von Count Rosenthal. Still, his affable bloke schtick is more than a match for Lineker's crisp-schilling, perma-tanned philandering. However Gary has shown a happy knack of dealing with some of his colleagues more depressive moments and generally does a good line in alliterative puns. It's a no score draw as they cancel each other out.

Matt Smith vs Colin Murray
Astoundingly annoying when he does music, but utterly brilliant when he does anything sport related, Murray completely knocks the shit out of presenterbot 2.0 Smith, a man about whom I can think of absolutely nothing good or bad to say. A resounding 0-7 rout by Murray, just as well he got off Channel 5 when he did.

The Old Pros

Andy Townsend vs Alan Hansen
Scar-faced headmaster Hansen quite probably wouldn't be happy in a barrel of tits. While Townsend is gruff reminder that it is entirely possible to get 70 caps for the Republic of Ireland despite being about as Irish as a Banana Daiquiri. Neither are an enticing or welcoming presence, but Hansen always warms to the foreign pundits on the panel and I will never, repeat never forgive Townsend for the debacle that was the Tactics Truck. Hansen edges it, 0-1.

Kevin Keegan vs Alan Shearer
Keegan is a legend, a sad, sad legend - who despite being European footballer of the year twice in an amazing playing career seems dogged by regret and a palpable sense of ennui. Every sentence seems like it could descend to bitter, angry tears at any moment. Meanwhile soulless goal machine Shearer seemed to believe that football was a game played primarily with the elbows, has a bit of fluff stuck to the top of his head and a master's degree in stating the fucking obvious. A 3-1 win for Keegan.

Gareth Southgate vs Lee Dixon
1996 scapegoat Southgate is, on all the evidence, a lovely human being with a nervy voice and a hint of Picasso about him. Dixon on the other hand was an arsenal defender and had two years at Stoke-On-Trent, neither particularly endearing qualities. But Southgate fails to press home his advantage by being a bit by-the-numbers while Dixon does seem to know what he is talking about. Verdict: Score draw.

Foreign Signings

Edgar Davids vs Clarence Seedorf
A battle of two midfield maestros, from a country that is no stranger to disagreement, infighting and going home early in a strop. Both are ideally placed to blather on about midfield triangles and good technique but will come into their own once someone gets kicked out of a squad for staying out late or saying the coach is a racist. As to which is better, Davids seems a bit bored and unimpressed whereas Seedorf is chirpy presence with the happy demeanour of a man who knows that he is dead good at football and regularly enjoys the company of an underwear model or two. He even got sourpuss Hansen being all jokey and tactile the other night, so it's a last minute winner 2-3 to Clarence.

Patrick Vieira vs Jurgen Klinsmann
Two giant figures in the world of dirty cheating. Klinsmann barely managed to stay upright for more than thirty seconds, flailing around on the floor like an epileptic fish out of water. Meanwhile Vieira never met an easily-stamped-on achilles that he didn't like, all the while wearing a futuristic cloaking device that made him invisible to middle-aged, bookish gallic managers. Despite his Teutonic heritage and history of farcical diving, Jurgen is one of the most amiable characters ever to confuse Alan Shearer with some well thought out punditry on the BBC panel. Vieira on the other hand just comes across a bit surly and looks like his tenure on ITV is an obligation down to the same reason as his tenure at Man City. Cold hard cash. Vieira 0, Klinsmann 1.

Marcel Desailly vs Emanuel Adebayor
Adebayor has taken on the "Well-turned out but utterly incomprehensible" role vacated by Brazilian hairdresser Leonardo. Even Lineker seems to have given up interpreting his rapid-fire banter. He is blown out of the water by the high-pitched, if a touch repetitive enthusiasm of Terminator-esque, Mary Poppins fan Desailly. 2-0 to the Frenchman.

Roving Reporters

Gabriel Clarke vs Gabby Logan
On paper this looks a total mismatch. Despite almost sharing a name there is a clear gulf in class. Clarke is a cloyingly insistent and surprisingly insensitive presence, his lurching appearance resembles a zombie with a microphone. Logan on the other hand has the air of a fantasy gym instructrix, even Capello gives a girlie little giggle when she asks about who is going in goal. Couple this with the fact that Logan's dad enjoyed a glittering footballing career, climaxing with a spell at the mighty Coventry City and it looks like a crushing defeat for the ITV man. But wait. Clarke had a famous dad too, one who had the idea of pairing Ray Winstone with a sock full of Snooker balls. So, shockingly, a score draw.

So I make that a compelling 2-4 victory for the BBC, which is unsurprising when you consider that ITV have managed to not actually show the most important moment of the tournament so far. On the plus side at least they made the sensible decision to not bring back Ron Atkinson for the first world cup on African soil